Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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