Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
