anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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