i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My ATM looks so different sober.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
