I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Randomize
