Dude my mom stole all your condoms
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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