He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Come on in and take your pants off
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