I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
