Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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