You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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