Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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