he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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