Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
