the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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