Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
