I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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