Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
