I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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