this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
