i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
