You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
