You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
