Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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