If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
