??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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