Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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