I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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