So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
