I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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