So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
