College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize