wanna go halves on a baby?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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