Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
