I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
