Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
