Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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