I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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