'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
