Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
