You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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