I just pynch a tree in the face
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
