Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
