I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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