She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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