The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
