Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my sisters under your porch take her home
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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