i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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