I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So many bounce houses so little time
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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