My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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