Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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