He asked to "fluff my boner.."
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
