She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
