I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
