I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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