This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
