I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
