I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
