oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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