Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
