I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
