i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
