I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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