I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
