she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
